Expanded and Revised: A Retort

[Kamitake]

To whomever it may concern,

I must apologize over my recent unavailability. Unlike the relatively relaxed nature of operations in the ANBU Headquarters, the numerous shinobi delegated under my direct command require constant supervision that necessitates constant onsite management in order to keep the well lubricated machine of Kumogakure in order. Needless to say, I'm sure you can easily guess that I look forward to my appropriate retirement. For now, the nature of my duties disallow me the privilege in gracing you with my presence and requisites my penmanship in order to converse with you.

As the designated leader of the Main Branch, I can assure you that I am fully versed in all things legal, especially the assault and battery laws which I am heartbroken to inform you that your command might need to re-read. From the lack of mentioning in your letter, I am forced to make the probable assumption that the famed investigations of ANBU has failed to accurately recreate the scene that is the issue of your complaint. An assault-and-battery was in progress on one Horo Danshi by Vice Commander Masao when I had entered. Following through on legal precedent, I sought to calmly dissuade your Vice Commander from any violence only to be savaged upon by his character which again, led to the unfortunate scene last week. Although it confuses me why a drunkard would have reached so a respected(?) position in ANBU, I am forced to admit that the depletion of your branch's shinobi probably necessitates as drastic of a measure as unretiring an ancient veteran.

It is with full regret that I write the following: In order to preserve the peace of Kumogakure, I hereby issue a direct order with the authority vested in me through my position as the Main Branch Sennin by the Raikage Hayata Shin, that all members of ANBU report to the Aurora Eruditio so that they may be instructed in Kumogakurian Law by a legal scholar.

Dictated but not read,
Souseiki

 

[Kamitake]

To whomever it may concern,

I apologize if my letter reaches you late. You simply must understand, I was so ecstatic to discover that your designated information gathering squad was competent enough to discover common knowledge that I simply was unable to even lift a pen in my excitement. I’m sure the task may have seemed insurmountable at first with all the subtlety and subterfuge typical in a case like this and I’m sure it must have caused many a long frustrated night at your headquarters until the novel idea of asking anyone came to mind but I was excited to learn that I can now rest in ease that Kumogakure employs the finest of spies.

I kid you my dear, though I am afraid I must correct you regarding a couple of errors made on your branch‘s behalf. It is true that I do partake of a drink or two now and again but it is mostly for morale building rather than any crippling addiction. After a long hard day of working at their typical stations and longer nights covering for ANBU’s deficiencies in the fields of assassination, information gathering, and foreign espionage, the average shinobi at times feels quite unappreciated by family, friends, and village. I thought it a good idea to get acquainted with the men sworn to defend our home by joining them in their relaxation in order to let them know that their Sennin understands their plights and will work harder to ease them. This was the same reason I had attended Squint’s on the fateful day where… well I don’t believe your Vice Commander’s defects bear repeating. Horo Danshi and I were to converse over a few frosty beers for the sake of establishing some friendly rapport and this incorrect notion of engaging in some manner of sexual deviancy as you make it seem. It’s quite all right, I understand that your unfortunate history of illegal fraternization with Masao might cause you to misread simple situations such as these as something more sordidly romantic. Do not fear though, I am enough of a professional to avoid simple career pitfalls and enough of a gentlemen to forgive mistakes.

In all seriousness though, if your information gathering department requires tutelage in their chosen craft, I am obliged to offer my branch's services for ongoing missions while they are thoroughly trained. I await your response as eagerly as a drowning man wants one last breath of air.

Dictated but not read,
Souseiki

 

[Kamitake]

To Masao

But she rides me so well.

Dictated but not read,
Souseiki

 

[Kamitake]

To whomever it may concern,

While I was there I discovered they offer a class on "Coping With Senility". I advise it since it seems you've forgotten Internal Security is an exclusively Main Branch responsibility since the Dawnbringer wrote Executive Order 2301.

I must advise against your suggestion. While I am flattered at your offer, I am mostly attracted to tall, young, and beautiful women. That and Masao might take offense at your infidelities.

Dictated but not read, at your reasonable service,
Souseiki

 

[Kamitake]

To Masao

You misunderstand me my friend. I used humor to mask the tragic news of your wife's infidelities in order to reduce the crippling depression from discovering your lifelong mate prefers her men virile and packing. I do apologize for my role but I could no longer live with the guilt of these marriage deviant trysts.

Dictated but not read,
Souseiki

 

[Kamitake]

To whomever it may concern,

After reading your letter I was forced to respond promptly unlike usual because I find your division's information gathering skills are reaching laughable levels. I chuckled heartily because it seems you have forgotten Kiyo's Executive Order 16839 which had the unintended consequences of overruling all of her own prior executive orders by typo and thus nullified her original nullification of the Dawnbringer's executive order. I have taken the liberty of consulting all legal scholars which have confirmed that even though it is a typo it carries the same weight as any other law in Kumogakure. For all intents and purposes until Hayata Shin reinstates the nullification, all ANBU currently assigned to Internal Security are under my direct command while replacements are found to carry out the job that your branch has been woefully inadequate in.

As for the issue of the irregularities: I am shocked that you have forgotten that the shinobi's first method of engagement is deception! By the Dawnbringer's light, it is the first lesson of the academy. My subordinates have informed me that the office vandalize and the books stolen are actually the decoys and that the real ledgers remain safely in [REDACTED]. I have already taken the precaution of creating copies for the appropriate authorities along with an interesting tidbit my subordinates have unearthed during their investigations.

Your accounts have been strangely actively recently receiving large deposits from a cartel with significant capital investments in Neo-Konoha. I must advise that there might be enough conflict of interest between your current station and your ties to Leaf. Some might question where your already dented loyalties lie, at the very least, investigate further

Dictated but not read,
Souseiki

Attached: Kiyo's Executive Order 16839: "... are to be disregarded..." [Omission of not before disregarded]
Attached: International Snow Bank Account Statements of one Takaki Rin