To Find Her Way Back [Closed]

[Sanageyama Masaoko]

The mask hung limply on the side of her mirror, placed with such carelessness so long ago. Every day she woke up looking at it and every night she went to bed glaring at it. The constant reminder of her downfall. A sacrifice for her love. Some say such a cause was noble, but those exact same people would scorn a shinobi for betraying their village. Gekido may have been feared and mistrusted, but Senka would always be the fool. The idiot who fled to the countryside and followed one man like a silly dog. To make matters worse, she’d always be the weakling. That Inuzuka couldn’t handle life out there. She begged her husband to take her home. Couldn’t even carry out the crime she wanted to commit. There was just no winning with these people.

The thoughts spilled in and out of her mind all the time. When she saw the mask, she was reminded most of the ANBU dreams that slipped through her fingers. There was no reasoning behind keeping the mask up, Senka just did. It hadn’t been until that particular morning that the feral Inuzuka decided to do something about it. She had a long, hard stare down with the mask. The ebony paint and hallow eyes laughed at her. She had never glared at something so hard with those wolfish, golden eyes before. Well, maybe except Gekido.

In a huff, the woman stood up, muscles rippling with rage. Her thick claws seized it up. She started to storm out of her tent and off towards the city. There was no goal in mind. She hadn’t the slightest idea what she was doing. No intention to a goal, just an unstoppable march into the city. Her face wasn’t one of fiery anger, but the extremely crossed look a wife would get with her irritating husband. As tall as she was, Senka was not to be missed by the crowd as she pushed through them. Some she even knocked into. When they tried to protest against her, she growled. They didn’t push any further. She was one of those crazy Inuzuka. If they examined her further, they knew who she was. Wild dark auburn hair, golden eyes, and an extremely fit build. They knew she was that traitor. The run-away dog that came crawling back.

Swaying at her hip was the ANBU mask tied to her belt. It jostled wildly as Senka continued her aimless rampage. Each step took her through the memories of her ANBU career. The exciting beginning, the tough missions that tasted of sweet success, the ambition, and that grueling, humiliating end. One person she had in mind made her betrayal so much worse. Her mentor through it all and her grand commander. She was supposed to follow the renowned ANBU commander to the end.

Failure. After her talk with Kiyo, Senka couldn’t stop thinking about it. She wanted to be an ANBU more than anything. Well, she thought more than anything. She let a momentary lapse of teenage hormones win. Ridiculous. The ex-ANBU stopped at the edge of the settlements of houses and shops near the Plaza. The street was lamely vacated by easy going window shoppers and people passing through.

Why the hell did she stop here? Watching the water spring forth from the fountain in the square, Senka’s nose captured the smell. It was always the same confusing mix of food and people. It was here where she started her love for the ANBU corps. This is where her commander had taken her after her first mission, which had ended in a failure. The older woman lectured her on the importance of teamwork, attention to detail, and protocol. All things she severely lacked in. Her Inuzuka ways made her sloppy and to be honest, she had never been a team player. Senka’s first impression of the woman was downright fear. Senka knew she had probably blown it with Rin, but the commander had other ideas. There in the square, as they strolled along talking about the importance of the ANBU, Rin offered to take Senka under her wing. Never before had Senka been given such special attention. After all, it was always about Gekido. She could barely contain her excitement back then.

The Inuzuka dragged herself to the fountain and stood over the water. The pond rippled her image. The she wolf couldn’t look at herself without stomaching disappointment. The mask was pulled from her belt and sat heavy in her hands. With so much desperation she wanted to break the mask into small pieces and cast it into the fountain. Although, she had been careful after all these years to keep it. It should have been taken upon her resignation. Maybe it was some cruel joke for her to keep it. Her arm wound back, ready to toss it as far away from her as possible. She became paralyzed in place.

 

[Santaru Rin]

A scarred and calloused hand closed with iron grip around the aged black mask. "So," Rin said, "Faltering at the last, again." Chance alone had brought the Sennin to this place and time... One more time to meet with another trainee who had strayed from the path and fallen. Her voice dropped to an intimate level meant only for herself and the younger woman. "Ever the players, you Inuzuka. Are you pretending not to notice your audience? Or have you truly gone mad and don't even notice when an old woman is tailing you? You children are ever disappointing. Perhaps I am a failure as a teacher, unable to adequately discipline my pack of puppies." Her pale eyes fixed on the back of Senka's head. Over a decade ago she had held such high hopes for this one's future. Inuzuka were so rarely elevated to positions of note, being, like the Uchiha, believed prone to all sorts of ailments of the mind. Rin had pushed her female trainees ruthlessly, like the mother who wanted her children to be successful no matter the personal price.

"I dispatched mempo to search your belongings, but they returned reporting that they could not find a mask. I had expected that you would have already destroyed it, but you are too sentimental, I see." Rin pulled firmly on the mask. She was ready for hostility--with an Inuzuka, you could never know exactly where you stood. One minute, the Inuzuka might be smiling and the next you might find teeth at your throat... Just like with any attack dog. Rin was unafraid now; she had ever been unafraid, knowing that steadiness and confidence warded off predators just as well as a flaming brand. No... She was angry and bitter, knowing only that one of her cherished kunoichi had betrayed her hopes.

Rin had cut herself that morning. Of all things, she had been in the kitchen, slicing tofu for her soup. The ceramic knife had turned in her hand and bitten deeply into the nailbed of her index finger. That finely-ground edge had met no resistance when it cut through the nail. She'd sucked the blood away and part of her wished for it to bleed all day long. It was that kind of day... A grey sky day, lifeless and lacking the electric tension of a pending storm. The type of day she would find a woman who followed a futile love to its pathetic conclusion back to the place where her love had begun. The type of day in which you just wanted to burn down everything.

"So... Tell me something, Senka. When are you two going to concoct some fail-proof plot to piss off the idiots who've forgiven you? Maybe showing your face here is just the start. Can't accomplish much of note by only skulking around the back alleys."

 

[Sanageyama Masaoko]

Her rough hands felt the resistant tug before she heard the voice of her nightmares. That voice filtered in through her ringing ears, harboring memories of the past and a general anxiety she hadn’t felt in a while. Suddenly Senka became conscious of everything. The way she sloppily stood, the carelessness of her aim if she had thrown the mask, the madness of her scene she had created, and even the way she breathed became a problem. Pushed to the end, Rin had always wanted to make Senka her best. Those years of lessons stuck with Senka, but there was a failure to keep them all in practice.

How long had Rin been following her through the district? Senka really had been blinded by her rage to not notice her scent. It was unmistakable to her; a dull note of steel intertwining with the keen smell of the Sileo. Not the ordinary smell of a woman, but Rin wasn’t a common housewife. So many years had passed since Senka gazed upon that guiding countenance. Her fear rose and she dare not to turn. The feral Inuzuka was stuck in the awkward position of mid-throw.

Each word was one more knife to add to her guilt. She knew that she had disappointed her mentor, but never before had the words come directly from Rin’s mouth. The thought crossed the elder woman that perhaps she was to blame, but Senka knew better. This had all been because of her stupidity. No blame could be placed on Rin. She had done all she could for the wild beast. A ruthless teacher in her youth, Senka had been indoctrinated by Rin. How a moment of insanity caused that all to crash was beyond both their understanding.

Senka did not speak, but recalled how she had hidden the mask within the woods the day before her resignation. The Inuzuka hoarded the mask as if it signified something important. A piece of herself she wanted to hang on. A time when she was worth something. The mask she wore when she was a part of something greater than her clan. All the lessons she had learned under the mask. Whatever it was, Senka felt the need to keep it. But, it was not her’s to have. Certainly she did not deserve it.

As the mask was tugged from her grip, Senka loosened herself from it. Her arm hung limply by her side again in resignation. If anyone could take this symbolic piece from her, it was Rin. Her head hung low with shame, auburn locks shading her face. Those amber eyes closed for a few slipping seconds. Her Commander addressed her with the usual confidence. That cool demeanor commanded the words right out of the former ANBU. Senka didn’t turn still. Her eyes swept the scene ahead of her with apathy.

Everyone still had her all wrong, but she never said anything to make them think otherwise. She had to deal with the sins of being grouped with Gekido. The weight of his actions were placed on her. They reflected heavily on their marriage. She always felt a constant pull from him. A secret resentment, but her love greatly outweighed that on most days.

“Commander,” she addressed with a note of grievance to the superior. Even still she used formalities. The woman now spun slowly to face her once worshipped hero and mentor. There was a huge amount of hesitation to speak to Rin. Anything she said would make her seem like a moron. “I don’t intend to forsake my village again or the mercy I’ve been shown. Avoiding the general public has been my way to show my appreciation, but I cannot remain stagnant much longer.” Her thoughts reflected back to her conversation with Kiyo that had taken place in a quiet back alley. Just how much had Rin been watching Senka?

“Kumogakure no Sato has the right to distrust me.” Senka wanted to say she had a right to be given actual forgiveness after eight years of good behaviors, but the Inuzuka avoided sounding haughty. She avoided sounding like Gekido. Her golden orbs of primal origin placed themselves downwards, unable to keep gaze with Rin. She did it because of the humility she had gained over those few quiet years of humiliation. No one thought she had such humility, they didn’t give her the chance, and for that she was thought to be just like her Alpha. “Trust is something I wish to gain back though. Especially from you. My resignation from the Corps. has left a burning hole in my soul. A part of myself died with it. A part I ignored during those few months of running. You had raised this pup with such hopes, instilled such deep principles in me, and I let you down. However, my years served under you have taught me that words prove nothing.”

 

[Santaru Rin]

Rin tucked the wolf mask into her kaiseki. Now was not the time to dispose of it--not with witnesses all around. "I'm glad you've begun to understand," she replied. The former nukenin had spoken with little but sorrow and shame in her voice; that downcast gaze said even more than her little speech. Still, Rin felt that bitterness that only time could leech away. Before her slumped a damaged wife where should have stood a proud kunoichi. So many of Rin's hopes had been for nothing: so many promising young ninja dead or lost. To have one return, reeking of failure, burned. They should have chosen death and repaid their karmic debt in the next life.

"I hate evil, arrogance, and every wicked way, and a mouth with a double tongue, Senka. A fool laughs at his wife's advice-- Does your husband listen to you, or does he scorn your reproofs? He, and you, ought avoid involving yourselves in any iniquity... Your positions are tenuous. Any who offer you patronage know this and will use you accordingly. Your chance to find glory in deeds is dead. The only crown for you now is with your children's children. Focus on that, and relieve the shame of your clan." What good could Rin's words do? The woman had already lost her way. She herself admitted her frustration--but had she expected any other outcome? A life of anxiety and uncertainty awaited her.

The return of nukenin to the fold created many risks. Those risks were why Rin favored a general solution of execution; had she her way, Gekido and Senka would not have been repatriated. Their remains would have been destroyed and their names would never have seen honorable interment. The shadow of treason, of assassination, of usurpation would have been banished as a mere nightmare. Now the Sennin had to be concerned with not only the likelihood that the Inuzuka would try to flee again or attempt to murder loyal citizens, but that they would be caught up in yet another wriggling worm's plot to disrupt the village or nation for some idiotic agenda. Rin could not even be satisfied if the duo retired simply to breed the next generation of Inuzuka; if treason were bred in the bone, then those children would bear watching, and onward, forever... Lest whatever festered in Gekido's heart and whatever madness afflicted Senka be repeated in their offspring. Sedition was contagious, just like any crime. Rin did not put much stock in forgiveness, and her mercy was a swift death. Compared to how she felt Senka suffered, her execution would have been kinder.

And what was this juxtaposition? A young woman, in her prime, who towered over her scarred and mutilated elder; that the former was shamed and the other ascendant was some confusion of the stars. What was the punchline to this joke? What idiot penned such a story? Rin hated it; hated them; if she found the author of these fates, she would seize him with two hands and throttle the life out of him.

 

[Sanageyama Masaoko]

No. She wouldn’t just let it end like this. This sad tale of a young woman who ended up with nothing but shame. Senka’s heart was obstinate. The dream and the glory and the life of a Cloud shinobi was something she would tackle hard to the ground, and never let go. Her claws were sunken into this resolve. The young kunoichi wanted to make Rin see, but was it too late. The Commander was set in her ways, as people of older age often were. It was because she knew where she stood in life and knew how people took their course. Was it wrong to say that Senka was any different? The Inuzuka understood her mistrust. If anyone was loyal to Kumogakure no Sato’s laws, it was Santaru Rin.

The mask hadn’t seen its last run yet. The feral she wolf was mad with determination to see it again, when she deserved it. If she ever deserved it. The cutting remarks of the Sennin scourged Senka with doubt and guilt. So many missed opportunities. Senka could have been made into something under Rin’s hand. Now, the village just expected her to lay down and die quietly. What kind of legacy did she have to pass to her sons? Gekido would never be any help, he’d never truly change in his ways. She wanted to teach them right. To save them from all this heartache.

“I can’t accept it.” She stated plainly after all Rin had prepared to persuade the woman to hide from the world. “Commander, how can you expect me to just stand aside?” Her words were firm, resting with steady tones in the air. Still, her eyes could not meet the woman. “How am I evil or arrogant? Did I not beg for forgiveness hard enough? Did I not humiliate my husband strong enough? They said I was pardoned, but I’m treated as if I shouldn’t even be here. It is rare enough that one comes back. What more do I need to do?” Her hands shook with a violent anxiety. An old affliction of Senka’s that often bothered her in times of great stress. She had to keep a maddening habit of drumming her claws to kill the inward buzzing she felt from the stress.

Anyone who spent enough time with her knew that she suffered from some sort of compulsive stress disorder. Rin was no stranger to the odd behavior. However, Senka did not do her usual ritual. She let the maddening swarm of stress pick at her mind. She wouldn’t be made to look weak now, like a dog with some kind of ailment, drumming her hands on the side of her legs. It was distracting and demeaning. Her fingers quivered as the floodgate of emotions drowned her.

“I was the one given the mission to bring Gekido back and I did. My behavior was off base and, true, I derailed from the original plan, but all the same, I never intended to betray my village! Never did I speak against Cloud’s structure as-“ She stopped, avoiding to blame Gekido in all of this. Since she was already a “betrayer” of the village, she’d avoid disloyalty to her husband. Pointing her finger at him seemed childish. She was equally to blame, but didn’t she do her best to make amends? Clearing her throat quickly, Senka tried to finish the sentence without its original intent. “someone who despised it so.”

What was she trying to say to Rin in all of this madness? She wanted to be treated like everyone else. She wanted them to see that it was not herself they should be worried about. That Gekido was the only one with ill intent. That she wanted to be a part of this village again. But, most of all, that she wanted a second chance with her commander and the fellowship she so dearly loved. One could dream, and Senka surely was the right kind of fool to hope.

 

[Santaru Rin]

"If you weren't arrogant beyond belief, you would've accepted honorable suicide as your lot," Rin snapped. Was Senka really this foolish, or was she only clinging to delusions out of despair? The Sennin's anger mounted at each plea, at each attempt to bargain. Nothing the Inuzuka could do would wash away the sin she had committed against the village and Corps; not in Rin's eyes. Her only saving grace was that she had not--at least as far as Rin knew--murdered anyone while AWOL with an admitted nukenin. Only time would tell whether Senka had sold anything else dear to the village besides her honor. Rin's mien hardened. "Instead, you stand here in the heart of the village and shame us all--your clan, the ANBU, the principles we strive to uphold! Your only hopes for redemption lie in death or your children. The Corps will not have you back, and the fool who sends either of you abroad deserves what he gets. Why do you think that your shameful groveling means anything? It saved your neck, but your pride is through. It died when you made the choice to discard your mission to chase a fantasy!"

Rin clenched her jaw shut and released her hands from their unconsciously balled fists. Nothing could be gained from lecturing Senka here. All they provided was further fodder for the rumor mill. This anger was born of pain... The pain of so much lost time. What had happened to this girl between her time as a trainee and this? What had brought Senka to this end? Pitiable, Rin thought. It's just so damn sad. This little tête-à-tête needed to come to a conclusion lest someone take matters into their own hands... Meetings like this tended to wind up as a convergence between too many agendas, and the Sennin wanted none of that.

"I will not talk about this any further. If you need something, you can make an appointment with me at the Torre. ANBU will escort you to my office." She spun around on her heel and stomped off, hand over the mask concealed in her grey kimono.

 

[Sanageyama Masaoko]

Senka winced under the wrath of her former commander and teacher. Her fist clenched so hard that those wicked claws tore into her calloused palms. She should of died when she had the chance. Senka should of gone out with a blaze of infamy, since she would only die with it. Rin made it seem like there would never been redemption. The thick headed Inuzuka wanted to keep holding onto the little bit of hope she had, but the cruel, old woman shredded what was left of her dignity. The Inuzuka did not even feel human. She truly was just an expendable dog for the village to kick around. Did they just keep her here to laugh at such folly? The auburn haired she wolf stood from the ANBU commander, completely destroyed. Whatever Rin had aimed with her reproof, she surely accomplished something.

Something grew inside Senka. Although, she was not sure what. Be it endless sorrow, deep seeded hatred, or a foolish vow to carry on. At this moment, Senka was destroyed. So, as the shadow of her past turned with such coldness, as if she never even knew the Inuzuka, the golden eyed mother watched with her mouth hung slightly open. She was at a complete loss for words. What could she even say to salvage her old way. The mask was gone with the Santaru. Her life was gone. What remained of the fool who abandoned duty for love?

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