Waking up in the morning on a mossy rock in the middle of a clearing with a waterfall did not put Makoto in a much better place psychologically than he'd been the day before.
Regardless of what the phoenix had said the previous evening, he knew he had some...personality defects. Well all right, he'd always known that. He just hadn't much cared previously. And even now it was just...well. Did he? Did he actually care now? Or was he just upset that he was bad at judging people? Was reinventing himself even worthwhile, at this point, or should he just work on his ability to perceive others?
One thing he probably ought to do was apologize to Saito. The idea was less unpalatable than it would have been two days earlier, but still not particularly favourable. He didn't like apologizing to anyone.
I'm sorry, Makoto. I tried to soften the blow as much as I could, but you were going to come to this realization sooner or later. The phoenix crooned softly, sadly. As I said before, you have problems when it comes to telling friend from foe.
I most certainly do not, he thought at it, insulted. I'm not that far gone.
Then why do you lash out at people you care about, when they have done nothing to deserve it? He had no response to that, so it continued. I do not believe you realize the harm you could do to someone that way. If your brother were not so forgiving, by now you would have damaged that bond badly.
Look, humans are like that. He struggled to find a way to quantify it, when this was something that he barely understood himself. It's not...I can't just always treat people well, even when I'm in a bad mood or angry at them. It doesn't work that way.
I told you many times to stop and think, to try to forgive them.
I couldn't just not be mad at him! It doesn't work like that!
Why not?
Because I was mad! He ran a hand through his hair and swung his legs over the side of the rock, facing the waterfall. I can't just make myself stop feeling a specific emotion!
You ceased to be mad at your other brother very quickly, when you no longer had reason to be, it pointed out. Why is this one so different?
It...he just is. He made an audible noise of frustration. I don't know why. He just always has been.
Is it even him you're angry at?
That brought him up short. No, dammit, he wasn't sure he was even angry at Saito anymore; he was just a convenient target. Saito had had his reasons for keeping secrets--damn good ones, as it turned out. As much as Makoto hated to admit it to anyone, including himself, his own logic had been faulty despite the amount of time on the trip back he'd had to think it over.
He would not have been able to keep a secret of that nature.
Oh, there were plenty of secrets he could keep. He hadn't told a soul that his trip to Sand had been a mission, for one. He always managed to keep work secrets from people. But personal secrets, ones that said he was special? And when he had been younger--for that matter, at any point prior to the Sand mission, the most recent assessment Saito had of him?
No. Probably not. Even if the danger of it had been impressed upon him, still probably not. He'd have tried to find a way to let it slip somehow, to make himself look more impressive. And then the news that one of their clan had a benevolent spirit possessing them would've gotten to the Shrine, and...
Well. Nothing good. He didn't know what, exactly, would happen, but it wouldn't be good. Most likely he wouldn't have seen it coming, either, due to his terrible cold reading skills.
"I want to be angry at him," he said out loud. "But by my own philosophy...it doesn't make much sense for me to be angry at him for being right." Which he had been. "And it doesn't make much sense for me to be mad at him for how he told me why he kept it secret, or when or why, when I've always had the philosophy it's the information that matters, not the delivery."
So why are you angry? The phoenix sounded as if it already knew and was merely gently nudging him toward the conclusion.
It was as inevitable as the sharp slope down a mountain path. "I'm angry because...that hurt." Further mental prodding and coaxing ensued, and he sighed and elaborated. "All right! I'm angry because he hurt my pride. He made me feel like a child, so I..."
Ran off into the woods, like he had as a child. In other words, freaked out and was unable to handle the truth about his own demeanour, his desire to be special and different coupled with his lack of people skills and what a disaster it was in that particular equation.
"...so I proceeded to prove him right by acting exactly like a child," he said bitterly, flopping back onto the rock too hard with a groan. "Fuck. Ow. Am I that predictable?"
I am in your head. Perhaps it is easier from in here. There was an undercurrent of amusement in the mental voice, but it was sympathetic. Regardless, you know what you ought to be doing right now.
"So go and do it. Yeah." He sighed as he sat up, still not liking the idea of apologizing. At least he was the snarker in the family and neither of his brothers were liable to make 'it's the end of the world, Makoto is apologizing for something' cracks.
He made it several steps back toward the forest before pausing. Something was wrong--it was suddenly a lot warmer than it had been a minute ago, and the sun had risen hours ago so that wasn't it. He held up a hand and nearly jumped when he noticed it was giving off a faint golden light.
"What the--" his voice caught. What's that? Is that you? Are you doing something?
Not...exactly. Do you remember how, shortly after I woke, I said some of my life force would be mixed with yours for some time, but I did not know how long, and that was what was giving you the holy powers?
He had a sinking feeling about this. He had wanted to rely on that aura to counter Tatsuya's strange effect until he could figure out exactly what was causing that to counter it some other way. "Yes..."
It appears our life forces have finally become disentangled. I do not need to draw on you in any way now, but you also cannot draw directly on my power. It sounded apologetic, since it had been able to see his plan there. I did not know that would happen now, or I would have warned you.
He swallowed disappointment. "It's...fine. It's fine. Those weren't really my powers anyway. I'll make do. I just...I hope I'll stop glowing before I get back to town, you know?"
it wasn't fine, not really, but he could at least pretend it was. That would be being nice, right? And it was good practice, being nice in this, when he was genuinely somewhat upset.
It wasn't as if he'd had much practice at that.
[Thread Enter/Exit; S-Rank, 30 min]
Regardless of what the phoenix had said the previous evening, he knew he had some...personality defects. Well all right, he'd always known that. He just hadn't much cared previously. And even now it was just...well. Did he? Did he actually care now? Or was he just upset that he was bad at judging people? Was reinventing himself even worthwhile, at this point, or should he just work on his ability to perceive others?
One thing he probably ought to do was apologize to Saito. The idea was less unpalatable than it would have been two days earlier, but still not particularly favourable. He didn't like apologizing to anyone.
I'm sorry, Makoto. I tried to soften the blow as much as I could, but you were going to come to this realization sooner or later. The phoenix crooned softly, sadly. As I said before, you have problems when it comes to telling friend from foe.
I most certainly do not, he thought at it, insulted. I'm not that far gone.
Then why do you lash out at people you care about, when they have done nothing to deserve it? He had no response to that, so it continued. I do not believe you realize the harm you could do to someone that way. If your brother were not so forgiving, by now you would have damaged that bond badly.
Look, humans are like that. He struggled to find a way to quantify it, when this was something that he barely understood himself. It's not...I can't just always treat people well, even when I'm in a bad mood or angry at them. It doesn't work that way.
I told you many times to stop and think, to try to forgive them.
I couldn't just not be mad at him! It doesn't work like that!
Why not?
Because I was mad! He ran a hand through his hair and swung his legs over the side of the rock, facing the waterfall. I can't just make myself stop feeling a specific emotion!
You ceased to be mad at your other brother very quickly, when you no longer had reason to be, it pointed out. Why is this one so different?
It...he just is. He made an audible noise of frustration. I don't know why. He just always has been.
Is it even him you're angry at?
That brought him up short. No, dammit, he wasn't sure he was even angry at Saito anymore; he was just a convenient target. Saito had had his reasons for keeping secrets--damn good ones, as it turned out. As much as Makoto hated to admit it to anyone, including himself, his own logic had been faulty despite the amount of time on the trip back he'd had to think it over.
He would not have been able to keep a secret of that nature.
Oh, there were plenty of secrets he could keep. He hadn't told a soul that his trip to Sand had been a mission, for one. He always managed to keep work secrets from people. But personal secrets, ones that said he was special? And when he had been younger--for that matter, at any point prior to the Sand mission, the most recent assessment Saito had of him?
No. Probably not. Even if the danger of it had been impressed upon him, still probably not. He'd have tried to find a way to let it slip somehow, to make himself look more impressive. And then the news that one of their clan had a benevolent spirit possessing them would've gotten to the Shrine, and...
Well. Nothing good. He didn't know what, exactly, would happen, but it wouldn't be good. Most likely he wouldn't have seen it coming, either, due to his terrible cold reading skills.
"I want to be angry at him," he said out loud. "But by my own philosophy...it doesn't make much sense for me to be angry at him for being right." Which he had been. "And it doesn't make much sense for me to be mad at him for how he told me why he kept it secret, or when or why, when I've always had the philosophy it's the information that matters, not the delivery."
So why are you angry? The phoenix sounded as if it already knew and was merely gently nudging him toward the conclusion.
It was as inevitable as the sharp slope down a mountain path. "I'm angry because...that hurt." Further mental prodding and coaxing ensued, and he sighed and elaborated. "All right! I'm angry because he hurt my pride. He made me feel like a child, so I..."
Ran off into the woods, like he had as a child. In other words, freaked out and was unable to handle the truth about his own demeanour, his desire to be special and different coupled with his lack of people skills and what a disaster it was in that particular equation.
"...so I proceeded to prove him right by acting exactly like a child," he said bitterly, flopping back onto the rock too hard with a groan. "Fuck. Ow. Am I that predictable?"
I am in your head. Perhaps it is easier from in here. There was an undercurrent of amusement in the mental voice, but it was sympathetic. Regardless, you know what you ought to be doing right now.
"So go and do it. Yeah." He sighed as he sat up, still not liking the idea of apologizing. At least he was the snarker in the family and neither of his brothers were liable to make 'it's the end of the world, Makoto is apologizing for something' cracks.
He made it several steps back toward the forest before pausing. Something was wrong--it was suddenly a lot warmer than it had been a minute ago, and the sun had risen hours ago so that wasn't it. He held up a hand and nearly jumped when he noticed it was giving off a faint golden light.
"What the--" his voice caught. What's that? Is that you? Are you doing something?
Not...exactly. Do you remember how, shortly after I woke, I said some of my life force would be mixed with yours for some time, but I did not know how long, and that was what was giving you the holy powers?
He had a sinking feeling about this. He had wanted to rely on that aura to counter Tatsuya's strange effect until he could figure out exactly what was causing that to counter it some other way. "Yes..."
It appears our life forces have finally become disentangled. I do not need to draw on you in any way now, but you also cannot draw directly on my power. It sounded apologetic, since it had been able to see his plan there. I did not know that would happen now, or I would have warned you.
He swallowed disappointment. "It's...fine. It's fine. Those weren't really my powers anyway. I'll make do. I just...I hope I'll stop glowing before I get back to town, you know?"
it wasn't fine, not really, but he could at least pretend it was. That would be being nice, right? And it was good practice, being nice in this, when he was genuinely somewhat upset.
It wasn't as if he'd had much practice at that.
[Thread Enter/Exit; S-Rank, 30 min]