I'm just a mess [Private]

[Chikara]

It had been a while since I was there. I remember walking up to the estate, the Yamazaki estate that is, and being nervous as I made my way to the front door. I was making an effort to control my emotions and instability, but there was only so much that the books in the library could tell me. I needed a doctor, a doctor with a large blue box… Well, a doctor with long red hair at least. I was related to the medical chief so I figured that I might as well take advantage of that. He had been helping me with my problems but I had been slacking on our sessions. It wasn't that I didn't want to be fixed, I wanted to be normal. I didn't want to feel alone because I wouldn't let anyone in. I wanted to have friends that I could play tag with, or hide-and-seek. Chizuru was fun, but hide-and-seek isn't as fun with just two people.
"Iori!" I yelled from the front door, knocking on the front door a few times. I figured I wouldn't need to knock, being family and all, but I did it anyway. "Uncle Iori!" I scratched the back of my head and then looked back at my key that looked like he was sleeping. It made me wonder if he really could sleep, and what he would dream about if he could dream. I shook the thought out of my head and decided to let myself in. I thought maybe he was doing something and maybe couldn't hear me. I wasn't going to stand at the front door like an idiot, and I knew the house well enough to be able to make my way around.
"Iori? Chizuru?" I shouted for him as I entered the house, and then for Chizuru. I thought if he couldn't hear me maybe she would be there and could help me find him. I reached up and into my key's mouth and pulled out a book that I got recently to show Iori what I had been doing since he last saw me. It was a book about being more social and getting over social disorders, such as mine. At least I thought of it as a disorder, Iori may have another word for it. That is, if I stayed long enough to talk to him. My nerves were starting to work on me…

[WC:404]

 

[Kiriyama Sadako]

Iori would poke his head out of the study as he heard someone yelling for him, furrowing his brow as he wondered where the maids had gotten off to. Sighing softly he would step out into the hallway, adjusting his glasses as he approached the door, a smile spreading on his lips as he was greeted with the sight of Nenogami. "Oh, what a pleasant surprise! It's been a while since you last came by." The man would say as he approached her, a hand moving to gently pat her on the head. "So, what can I do for you, Neno? Were you looking for Chizuru? Or is there something you wish to discuss with me?" He would ask, motioning for the girl to follow him as he made his way back to the study.

 

[Chikara]

It would take only a moment for Iori to show himself. He would smile like he did and come closer to me. He raised his hand and pats his hand on my head. He was one of the few people I would let that close to the key in my head, because he knew what its purpose. He wouldn't want to risk the darkness releasing itself. It became quiet angry when touched, especially by anyone other than me. I was calm when he touched me, but didn't react to the touch. He seemed surprised to see me, and I shouldn't have expected anything less. I faked a half smile and tugged on my right arm.

"I actually came to see you, Uncle…" I extended my right arm to him with the book in my hand. I would wait for him to take it and give him a second to look at it. "I've been reading up on how to be more social, but I'm not doing so well on my own. I'd like to be… Normal." At the last word I sort of mumbled. It seemed like it should be embarrassing, but I wasn't sure. I never cared too much for what others thought of me so I never got embarrassed by anything. However, here in this moment I was sure that what I had said was embarrassing. In fact, I could almost feel my cheeks blushing.

"I wonder constantly what it's like to have friends. Could you help me? I need to get to the root of my problem with people I think… Why I don't like people around them. I uhm… I don't know what I'm talking about." I ran a hand down my face and gave a slight groan of annoyance. I could only hope he'd know what I was trying to say and could help me, if not I embarrassed myself for nothing.

[WC:317]

 

[Kiriyama Sadako]

"And what's this?" The man would ask as he accepted the book from her, flipping through the pages as he looked it over. Green eyes would slide over to the girl as she tried to explain herself, already quite aware of how awkward she was around people. "You already are normal." The man would say as he motioned for her to follow him, turning to walk deeper into the mansion. "It's not usual for children of your age to feel alienated from their peers, even more so considering you technically belong to different age groups. And the Yamazaki themselves have always been different from anyone else and our history is filled with our clan being ostracized by society." Moving into the living room he would take a seat, letting the girl sit down across from him.

"Would you like anything to drink? A-ko, I'll have some tea, and whatever Nenogami here would like." He would say as he looked towards the mechanical maid who staggered out of the darkness, nodding in his direction before looking towards the girl. "Don't worry, I understand. I used to be kind of like you when growing up, actually. Tell me how do you feel like when you're in a group of people? Do you have feels of being trapped, unease maybe?" He would ask, procuring a notepad from his coat pocket along with a pen.

 

[Chikara]

He took the book and looked it over. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it, and I knew it was a lie before it was even stated. There was no way that I was normal; there was no way that a nine-year-old child that looked twice her age was normal. I couldn't come to grips with that, and I suppose in a sense I would never be normal if I never looked my age. The only time I could pretend to be normal would be once I turn 18, when my uncle predicts I'll begin to age, albeit slower. For that one year I might feel close to normal, but only if I can overcome my issues.
"huh?" Somehow, while deep in my thoughts, I had managed to follow Iori into the living room and taken a seat. I was taken out of my thoughts when he asked me if I wanted something to drink. I hadn't thought about it but I was a bit thirsty, but I shook my head no regardless then proceeded to avoid eye contact with the strange contraption. I thought maybe I should be used to them by now, but I wasn't. Every time I went to the Yamazaki Estate I was put off by his strange creatures and mechanisms. I couldn't help it; they were very… off putting. I didn't know how Chizuru didn't have nightmares, having to sleep in the same house as them, but then again she was into this kind of thing.
"Groups of people?" I started to think about it, something I never did. I avoided large groups of people as often as I could, preferring to stick to the shadows or jump from rooftop to rooftop to get to where I was going. Either that or I just stayed at the mansion, or the Chika Bonsatu (though I don't like it there much, there's not very much room in the hallways). "I feel threatened. In a group, it's harder to retain my personal space. I can't protect the key; I can't keep the darkness in." I stared at the floor, shifting my eyes from side to side imagining myself being in a group of people.
"People get curious, people go for the key, the key gets turned and the darkness gets out!" I cringed and threw my face into my hands. The darkness can never get out without my permission, otherwise bad things would happen.

[WC:412|MFT]

 

[Kiriyama Sadako]

Iori would nod as he took down notes on the pad, the maid scurrying off to get his tea. It seemed that the key in her head was the cause for her distrust for people, the artifact holding back the darkness that lay sleeping inside the girl. Of course it was important that it never be released, but it was sad that her ability socialize was being stunted by it. That and of course her age discrepancy, being much younger than she looked. "Nenogami, please calm down. You're in no danger here." He would say as the girl yelled, looking up as the maid returned with his tea. "I know that it's important for that key to never be turned, but I don't think you have to worry so much about other people." He would say, pausing to sip at his cup. "You just need to be firm when you tell someone not to touch it. Most people will understand and not try it again. You can't let your fear of that key dominate your life, you need to be able to relax and believe that not everybody will try and hurt you."

 

[Chikara]

"It's not the key I fear, but the darkness…" I stopped. I realized that he was right in saying that I needed to calm down. I stopped thinking about his previous question and tried to stop breathing so hard. I didn't have to worry about people being too close, or touching my key. "The darkness is strong. Sometimes I think it can be let out just by being touched, like the key doesn't have to be turned to be let out. Someone could… Accidently touch it and the darkness would be let out…" I paused again, darting my eyes around the room. I wanted to mull over what he said before I responded so I made sure I was clear, I came here for help and losing it like I just did wasn't going to help.
"I don't think everybody will try to hurt me, but rather that the darkness will try to hurt anyone. I met a couple of people the last few days, one of them was rude to me but then he was nice. He wanted to touch the bigger key, which I had on the table so I could sit properly and to tilt the book I was reading up. I was in the library, looking for books like the one I showed you. We have the same eyes… His are different shades than mine but they were still similar. I think it made me feel normal, and that's why I liked him…
"But that makes me wonder, uncle Iori. I look older… I don't like to think about it because it makes me upset, but I'm much younger than I appear to be but sometimes I feel older. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually the age I appear to be, and then sometimes I return to being a child. When I feel older… When I feel older I feel weird… What if I end up liking someone? Someone twice my actual age. What do I do then? I feel like I could be an eighteen-year-old woman instead of a nine-year-old girl, then I remember that I'm just a little girl with grown up feelings." I ran my fingers through my hair and continued to dart my eyes.

[WC:372]

 

[Kiriyama Sadako]

"Yes, that is something perplexing, isn't it? You're living in a body that's almost twice your age...though to be honest you're still more mature than some people I know." He would laugh as he took down some more notes. "You don't quite have the emotional maturity of an eighteen year old, which is why socializing will be such an important thing for you to become comfortable with. And feeling attraction for another person is normal. If it's the age issue that bothers you then you just have to keep in mind that by all reason you ARE eighteen years old." He would say as he cocked his head to the side, jotting down a few more notes. "Can you tell me more about this boy you've met? And has there been anyone else that you have found interesting?"

 

[Chikara]

I listened as he spoke, not wanting to interrupt him. He made it seem like my issues were normal and I suppose in a sense they were. If I were actually the age I appeared to be. I didn't feel they were normal, though. It did feel good to hear him say that I was more mature than some people, it made me feel like I was actually grown up. I cracked a partial grin but didn’t say anything still. I let him continue, watching him write down notes as he did so. I wondered what he was writing down, and if it was something good or bad. I imagined they were just a basic transcript of what was going on and what progress may or may not have been made… Or maybe they were doodles, I'm not sure.

"His name is Asagao." I said, another faint grin coming to my face as I said his name out loud. "I met him at the library as I said, and after he was rude to me he apologized. We talked for a while and he made me feel comfortable to the best of his ability. I told him about my mother and about my sits at the Maw waiting for her return. He offered to teach me to play some kind of flute, going with me every day to the gates to wait for her and to teach me how to play." I was still unsure on whether he would keep his promise, it was only a day or two ago that he agreed to do that. I went to the gates the yesterday by myself and met that Yume girl.

"I met a girl named Yume at the Maw yesterday. I saw her there and decided to make an attempt to start the socializing. Then as I approached her an ANBU brushed me and I feel down in front of her. It was… Awkward, but it made it easier for me to start talking to her." I rubbed the back of my neck and tried to think of anything else that I could say about her. "She was nice I guess, and her brother seemed to really love her. He's worried that she'll die if she goes out onto the surface, and that makes me wonder what it's really like up there. I've never been you know, but I imagine the sandstorms are actually quite beautiful… From a certain perspective."

[WC:410]

 

[Kiriyama Sadako]

Iori would nod as the girl talked, jotting down notes as she revealed her prior encounters with other people. They meetings sounded as if they were awkward, but at least it was a start. "It sounds to me that you've made some friends then. See? It's not very hard." The man would smile as he looked back towards her, lowering the pad as he lifted his cup of tea. "Once that boy teaches you how to play the flute I would love it if you played it for me." He would take a few sips before setting the cup back down. "One day when I'm not busy we should go up to the surface then. It's really quite beautiful and there's no danger at all. Well, besides the sandworms of course. And the scorpions. Desert spiders can be a real pain too if you're not careful, and of course there's the immense heat that will fry you like an egg...but it's very nice besides all that." He would let her know he was joking as he began to laugh, lifting the pad once more. "You could even invite your friends, we could make a day of it."

 

[Chikara]

Nenogami

I didn't know if I would see Yume again, but I could say that he was right about Asagao being my friend at the very least. I was already planning on seeing him soon, and I suppose he would be teaching me how to play that flute thing. I didn't know if I'd ever get good at it, though, but I guess I could always play a little thing for him so I nodded at the mention but didn't say anything. He started talking about the surface, and suggested we go up there some day. He began to list various dangers present above and I began to think I probably didn't want to go up there myself. I could always have someone describe the surface to me, or read about it in a book. Of course, that wouldn't be the same.

"I don't know," I looked away and stared at anything and everything on the wall in that direction. "Perhaps, but not for some time. I'm still not sure how they feel about me. Maybe they didn't like me, maybe Asagao is just offering to teach me these things because he pities me…" I rested my chin on my hand, placing my elbow on the arm rest for support. The thought just occurred to me that maybe it wasn't me that he really cared about, but the possibility of fixing me. Maybe I was just some sort of project for him. I knew he could never feel anything for me, especially after he finds out eventually, but I still thought that we could be friends. This was a big realization for me; the possibility that my first nonfamily friend was just pitying me and helping me for an ego burst instead of actually caring.

"Uncle," I stood up and look in his direction, though I still avoided eye contact with the man. "I must take my leave. You have given me things to think about, though, and perhaps I shall return soon. Thank you." I bowed towards him and began making my way out. My key had a look of confusion, unsure of what to make of my thoughts which also filled his head. He wasn't the only one of us who wasn't sure what to make of the situation, though.

[WC:381|Topic left unless stopped]

Thanks, Iori :3