It was with no small sense of irony that Makoto headed out to the dunes again, some several nights after concluding the affair with the Mother of Birds. The entire affair had given him much to think of, but for now he only wanted to focus on the initial part of it.
Namely, that the empathy that had been plaguing him was gone. He could speak to his companions without feeling their irritation at each other rubbing over him like sandpaper. He could walk down the street without feeling like he was constantly being shouted at.
Perhaps he ought to send a letter home, and let Kanashimi know he'd been 'cured.'
There was a flash of white light off to his side once he got far enough from the city for the shape of it to not be visible. The phoenix fluttered alongside him, long tail feathers streaming out behind it, keeping its glow dimmer so as to further reduce any possible chance of being identified.
That was another reason to come out here. The phoenix was fully capable of using its own form, had been for a while, and it didn't seem fair to force it not to by staying in areas where it had to do so all of the time. It wasn't possible, with traveling companions, to do so in the city. Nor would it be on the boat ride back home.
There were, of course, nothing but stars in the sky tonight.
Makoto did not need to bring out his 'fairy lights' again, as the phoenix still was easily able to shed adequate light for him to see the area around him, and the stars and moon covered the rest as far as he cared to see.
"The quiet is nice," he remarked, eying the steep slope down the dune he was standing atop. Could he...? "I'm not used to it."
"I, too, prefer to see you happier like this, Makoto," the phoenix said, voice slightly echoing and beak unmoving as usual, hovering off to one side. "But it seemed to me that you have left yourself more vulnerable this way, not less."
"That wasn't my true core," he said dismissively. "There's no way. I suppose I'll find out what it really is at some point soon."
He took a few steps back, took a deep breath, then grinned and ran The phoenix watched him, clearly puzzled, as he took a leap (not as far as he could have, of course) and landed on the sharp slope of the sand dune, only to rapidly start sliding down, almost as if he were surfing the sand.
It wasn't as impulsive an action as it must have looked, but it was still fun. Even when he lost his balance near the bottom and tumbled head over heals into the narrow valley between two dunes.
"You are covered with sand," the phoenix observed as he stood up and brushed himself off. "But...I am glad to see you having fun. I don't think you did that very often, even as a child."
"Not really." Makoto made a face, then shrugged and simply summoned his chakra. A tight aura flared around his clothes, knocking all the sand off of him. "Well. That's one reason why not. But my life has been all about control, so of course not."
The phoenix fluttered down in front of him, landing a few feet up the next dune and folding its wings. It cocked its head in a clear 'go on' gesture.
"Control of my emotions, control of my body, control of my chakra..." He waved his hands in the air helplessly. "So I don't deal well with losing it. Or giving it over, for that matter. I suppose it makes me a bit tightly wound, at times."
"You still have empathy, when you try," the phoenix pointed out. When he tensed, it added, "not of the supernatural, extrasensory variety, but simply of the common human variety. You simply seem to have trouble noticing and picking up cues from other humans."
"Yes, that sounds about right, I suppose," he admitted. "I never bothered to put in the effort with people. Though that may be for the best, in the end. I'd rather be this way than do so in order to try and control others, like Saito does. I probably wouldn't do it for near so benevolent a reason as he does."
It was probably one of the most positive things he'd ever said aloud of that particular brother.
"And I recognize that control is important to me. For better or worse, it's who I am." He tilted his head back to the sky, the stars twinkling far overhead. "I am not a person who runs around and does impulsive, reckless things for fun. I only do them when they need done. Nor am I a person who deals well with realizing he doesn't have control over a situation, or doesn't have full knowledge of it to have that control. I even had a nervous breakdown over that, before."
He didn't want it to say that was understandable under the circumstances, because he knew it was, but it also wasn't. He liked to set a higher standard than that for himself, slacking off aside. He'd never been anything but driven in his actual studies or work.
"And I need control of my mind. That was why the past while has been...bothering me." He took a deep breath, then exhaled, tilting his head back down to the phoenix that stood there, watchful. "But something I think I forget sometimes is that I cannot...cannot bully or arrange circumstances to my favour, to my control all the time. Nor should I. I was half-miserable because I wasn't performing to my usual standards, even though I was and am up to the mission. Even though, even with their bickering, my teammates are fully capable of the mission."
They hadn't fought a single time where anyone else could see them, nor started a single diplomatic incident. He was almost...proud of them, in an abstract way.
Though the fact the bar was set that low and they'd still just managed to clear it was...not the best, but still.
"My usual standards were not in my capabilities." He forced the words out with difficulty. "I was...impaired. And I did not make allowances for myself, simply making myself more miserable over forcing it. That wasn't healthy. I should have enough control over my mind--over my entire self--to be able to check myself like that. Control doesn't mean always seizing control of the situation and pushing yourself beyond your capabilities. Self-control means knowing when to back down, when to ease off, when to not damage yourself."
He relaxed his fist, not realizing he'd clenched it.
"You do not have to do that alone," the phoenix said, sounding worried and peering up at him. "You are aware of that, yes?"
"Yes. I know. But the thing with self-control..." He made a half-turn to the side, shaking his head to clear it. "I still have to have it, you know? You do a lot for me, but there are still things I have to do on my own. And being able to temper myself, being able to recognize my own limits--to learn how to know better--it's important. And it's important to me, that I maintain that control. Maybe it's a bit much, maybe I'm a control freak."
That didn't feel like the right answer, though. It was perhaps what someone would have called him, but it didn't feel like the correct answer.
"But I'm only asking to control what I can--myself, my thoughts, my mind and body and chakra." He glanced at the phoenix. "Does that make sense? It's nothing against you, but I still need this measure for myself. Control of my mind is key to control of myself."
"I do not think you are a control freak in the classical sense," the phoenix said with a thoughtful tone. "Perhaps you have some issues in that area, but I would not call you overly controlling in this current intent of yours. It is certainly not something you have outwardly exercised in the past, either, though some currents have been there. And...and control of yourself, I think, is something all too few humans learn."
Makoto was past surprise at the approval the phoenix gave him when he managed to learn something important.
"Strangely enough, I don't think it's just a family thing. I mean, it is, in part. My entire family is tightly controlled in a lot of ways, but..." He shrugged helplessly. "It just...it feels important. To me. Personally. It always has. I've always felt it was important not just because other people told me so, but because it was just...a good idea, to try and learn myself. Even if I did overlook the emotional aspect for a long time."
He lifted a hand, idly tracing out constellations in the sky with no real attention devoted to it.
"You once told me that at some point, when things had balanced and leveled out between us and you weren't cycling off me, my true core would reveal itself." It had been a long time ago. "Which is, whatever traits make up who I am will decide what powers I have."
His family meant he knew more about the process than most.
"I did say that," it agreed. "Do you feel something happening? It certainly could, now."
"I don't know." It felt like something in him was almost waiting for a decision, and he had a feeling he knew what about. "The thing is...I already know what aspect of myself will manifest. It's blatantly obvious, something I could have realized a long time ago if I had bothered actually thinking about it. I've always been about control. And you couldn't have dulled the elements too much in me for too long if any of them were all that stronger than the others."
They'd never been important to him, not even when he gained them back. It wasn't like a blind man finally able to see--more like simply gaining an interesting new texture that he could feel. Useful in some cases, and not something he'd ever forget the hang of, but ultimately not vitally important.
It wasn't a sacrifice to lose them. Especially when they still were there and had always been, just...differently.
"So I think the part of me that manifests will be that desire for control," he said, voice clear and carrying with confidence. "Which means...that was always how I was, it wasn't anything you did originally. That was always supposed to be what I was. What my particular abilities were."
The light of his chakra was spilling off his fingertips, though not in its usual shade. Rather, it was silvery, almost like the light of the moon.
He reeled it in with once-practiced ease, the old ability coming to him like second nature.
"I had wondered," the phoenix said after a moment. "Still, I thought I was trying to convince myself I had not deprived you of anything."
"Don't worry," he said easily, letting through enough of his cheer to show his sincerity. "You didn't. It's simply...my nature."
The elements were still there in him, after a form; the slippery quicksilver feel of his chakra coating and masking them. Still, he knew them for what they were. They were his, as they had ever been.
"I think recognizing my own limits means I need to head back in to get some sleep," he said. "No use getting sleep deprived. But...if you like, we can try and find out of the way places for you to stretch your wings more in the future. If you want to."
The phoenix seemed, as ever, cautious about accepting his help when it was supposed to be helping him, but he meant it, and kept on clearly meaning it, so it relented. "...That would be nice. Thank you."
Makoto gave a light smile--not like the grin from earlier, but something that felt more natural on his face--and inclined his head before heading back up the slope toward Sand. After a moment's hesitation, his avian companion followed.
Silver trailed after him like a comet until he felt they were close enough to the gates to be seen. A little celebrating didn't hurt.
[Topic Entered/Left; S-Rank, 30 Min. THNMY to after Contract thread.]
Namely, that the empathy that had been plaguing him was gone. He could speak to his companions without feeling their irritation at each other rubbing over him like sandpaper. He could walk down the street without feeling like he was constantly being shouted at.
Perhaps he ought to send a letter home, and let Kanashimi know he'd been 'cured.'
There was a flash of white light off to his side once he got far enough from the city for the shape of it to not be visible. The phoenix fluttered alongside him, long tail feathers streaming out behind it, keeping its glow dimmer so as to further reduce any possible chance of being identified.
That was another reason to come out here. The phoenix was fully capable of using its own form, had been for a while, and it didn't seem fair to force it not to by staying in areas where it had to do so all of the time. It wasn't possible, with traveling companions, to do so in the city. Nor would it be on the boat ride back home.
There were, of course, nothing but stars in the sky tonight.
Makoto did not need to bring out his 'fairy lights' again, as the phoenix still was easily able to shed adequate light for him to see the area around him, and the stars and moon covered the rest as far as he cared to see.
"The quiet is nice," he remarked, eying the steep slope down the dune he was standing atop. Could he...? "I'm not used to it."
"I, too, prefer to see you happier like this, Makoto," the phoenix said, voice slightly echoing and beak unmoving as usual, hovering off to one side. "But it seemed to me that you have left yourself more vulnerable this way, not less."
"That wasn't my true core," he said dismissively. "There's no way. I suppose I'll find out what it really is at some point soon."
He took a few steps back, took a deep breath, then grinned and ran The phoenix watched him, clearly puzzled, as he took a leap (not as far as he could have, of course) and landed on the sharp slope of the sand dune, only to rapidly start sliding down, almost as if he were surfing the sand.
It wasn't as impulsive an action as it must have looked, but it was still fun. Even when he lost his balance near the bottom and tumbled head over heals into the narrow valley between two dunes.
"You are covered with sand," the phoenix observed as he stood up and brushed himself off. "But...I am glad to see you having fun. I don't think you did that very often, even as a child."
"Not really." Makoto made a face, then shrugged and simply summoned his chakra. A tight aura flared around his clothes, knocking all the sand off of him. "Well. That's one reason why not. But my life has been all about control, so of course not."
The phoenix fluttered down in front of him, landing a few feet up the next dune and folding its wings. It cocked its head in a clear 'go on' gesture.
"Control of my emotions, control of my body, control of my chakra..." He waved his hands in the air helplessly. "So I don't deal well with losing it. Or giving it over, for that matter. I suppose it makes me a bit tightly wound, at times."
"You still have empathy, when you try," the phoenix pointed out. When he tensed, it added, "not of the supernatural, extrasensory variety, but simply of the common human variety. You simply seem to have trouble noticing and picking up cues from other humans."
"Yes, that sounds about right, I suppose," he admitted. "I never bothered to put in the effort with people. Though that may be for the best, in the end. I'd rather be this way than do so in order to try and control others, like Saito does. I probably wouldn't do it for near so benevolent a reason as he does."
It was probably one of the most positive things he'd ever said aloud of that particular brother.
"And I recognize that control is important to me. For better or worse, it's who I am." He tilted his head back to the sky, the stars twinkling far overhead. "I am not a person who runs around and does impulsive, reckless things for fun. I only do them when they need done. Nor am I a person who deals well with realizing he doesn't have control over a situation, or doesn't have full knowledge of it to have that control. I even had a nervous breakdown over that, before."
He didn't want it to say that was understandable under the circumstances, because he knew it was, but it also wasn't. He liked to set a higher standard than that for himself, slacking off aside. He'd never been anything but driven in his actual studies or work.
"And I need control of my mind. That was why the past while has been...bothering me." He took a deep breath, then exhaled, tilting his head back down to the phoenix that stood there, watchful. "But something I think I forget sometimes is that I cannot...cannot bully or arrange circumstances to my favour, to my control all the time. Nor should I. I was half-miserable because I wasn't performing to my usual standards, even though I was and am up to the mission. Even though, even with their bickering, my teammates are fully capable of the mission."
They hadn't fought a single time where anyone else could see them, nor started a single diplomatic incident. He was almost...proud of them, in an abstract way.
Though the fact the bar was set that low and they'd still just managed to clear it was...not the best, but still.
"My usual standards were not in my capabilities." He forced the words out with difficulty. "I was...impaired. And I did not make allowances for myself, simply making myself more miserable over forcing it. That wasn't healthy. I should have enough control over my mind--over my entire self--to be able to check myself like that. Control doesn't mean always seizing control of the situation and pushing yourself beyond your capabilities. Self-control means knowing when to back down, when to ease off, when to not damage yourself."
He relaxed his fist, not realizing he'd clenched it.
"You do not have to do that alone," the phoenix said, sounding worried and peering up at him. "You are aware of that, yes?"
"Yes. I know. But the thing with self-control..." He made a half-turn to the side, shaking his head to clear it. "I still have to have it, you know? You do a lot for me, but there are still things I have to do on my own. And being able to temper myself, being able to recognize my own limits--to learn how to know better--it's important. And it's important to me, that I maintain that control. Maybe it's a bit much, maybe I'm a control freak."
That didn't feel like the right answer, though. It was perhaps what someone would have called him, but it didn't feel like the correct answer.
"But I'm only asking to control what I can--myself, my thoughts, my mind and body and chakra." He glanced at the phoenix. "Does that make sense? It's nothing against you, but I still need this measure for myself. Control of my mind is key to control of myself."
"I do not think you are a control freak in the classical sense," the phoenix said with a thoughtful tone. "Perhaps you have some issues in that area, but I would not call you overly controlling in this current intent of yours. It is certainly not something you have outwardly exercised in the past, either, though some currents have been there. And...and control of yourself, I think, is something all too few humans learn."
Makoto was past surprise at the approval the phoenix gave him when he managed to learn something important.
"Strangely enough, I don't think it's just a family thing. I mean, it is, in part. My entire family is tightly controlled in a lot of ways, but..." He shrugged helplessly. "It just...it feels important. To me. Personally. It always has. I've always felt it was important not just because other people told me so, but because it was just...a good idea, to try and learn myself. Even if I did overlook the emotional aspect for a long time."
He lifted a hand, idly tracing out constellations in the sky with no real attention devoted to it.
"You once told me that at some point, when things had balanced and leveled out between us and you weren't cycling off me, my true core would reveal itself." It had been a long time ago. "Which is, whatever traits make up who I am will decide what powers I have."
His family meant he knew more about the process than most.
"I did say that," it agreed. "Do you feel something happening? It certainly could, now."
"I don't know." It felt like something in him was almost waiting for a decision, and he had a feeling he knew what about. "The thing is...I already know what aspect of myself will manifest. It's blatantly obvious, something I could have realized a long time ago if I had bothered actually thinking about it. I've always been about control. And you couldn't have dulled the elements too much in me for too long if any of them were all that stronger than the others."
They'd never been important to him, not even when he gained them back. It wasn't like a blind man finally able to see--more like simply gaining an interesting new texture that he could feel. Useful in some cases, and not something he'd ever forget the hang of, but ultimately not vitally important.
It wasn't a sacrifice to lose them. Especially when they still were there and had always been, just...differently.
"So I think the part of me that manifests will be that desire for control," he said, voice clear and carrying with confidence. "Which means...that was always how I was, it wasn't anything you did originally. That was always supposed to be what I was. What my particular abilities were."
The light of his chakra was spilling off his fingertips, though not in its usual shade. Rather, it was silvery, almost like the light of the moon.
He reeled it in with once-practiced ease, the old ability coming to him like second nature.
"I had wondered," the phoenix said after a moment. "Still, I thought I was trying to convince myself I had not deprived you of anything."
"Don't worry," he said easily, letting through enough of his cheer to show his sincerity. "You didn't. It's simply...my nature."
The elements were still there in him, after a form; the slippery quicksilver feel of his chakra coating and masking them. Still, he knew them for what they were. They were his, as they had ever been.
"I think recognizing my own limits means I need to head back in to get some sleep," he said. "No use getting sleep deprived. But...if you like, we can try and find out of the way places for you to stretch your wings more in the future. If you want to."
The phoenix seemed, as ever, cautious about accepting his help when it was supposed to be helping him, but he meant it, and kept on clearly meaning it, so it relented. "...That would be nice. Thank you."
Makoto gave a light smile--not like the grin from earlier, but something that felt more natural on his face--and inclined his head before heading back up the slope toward Sand. After a moment's hesitation, his avian companion followed.
Silver trailed after him like a comet until he felt they were close enough to the gates to be seen. A little celebrating didn't hurt.
[Topic Entered/Left; S-Rank, 30 Min. THNMY to after Contract thread.]